Wearing: Artist's Rendering Dress

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Anthro Dress: Artist's Rendering  Shirt: J.Crew  Pumps: Nine West  Bag: Vera Wang  Watch: AE
Bridges are so symbolic. After losing someone you love, there's a great danger in constantly trying to go back...to stay stuck on the bridge spanning the rift of before and afterwards.  It's hard to find the balance between moving forward and reconciling with what lies behind you.

When my brother died, so many people told me life would get back to normal, but for my family, our old 'normal' was never coming back--Nathaniel was gone and everything involving that relationship was missing.  After the funeral, my parents and I faced the lengthy sorrow of trying to redefine how our family would function in the future, how our lives would play out from that point--even sitting down to dinner as a family was heartbreaking. Nathaniel's nonappearance was louder than our presence, and we faced the constant reminder that nothing new could ever happen between us and him.
Redefining normal is such a fluid process--the search for stable ground, an adventure.  It will never be over.  There will never come an exact moment when I can type my last thought, hit the print button and declare, "It's finished"...because dealing with loss doesn't necessarily get easier...it just gets different.
While my life has settled into another normal place, things will never return to the way they were while my brother was alive. When I try to take it in, the truth of it is still too enormous to grasp--knowing I'll never again find myself folded in the warmth of his hug or the thrill of his laughter.
I will never simply burn the bridge between what happened and afterwards.  I will always be redefining.  At each new stage in my children's lives, I reconcile with the reality that my brother will never meet them.  I embrace with amazed wonder the gift of knowing him for eighteen years and worship in awe the Creator who is on my side, at work in my life, who allowed me to walk for a brief moment with such a special person. 
I am constantly crossing the bridge between two extremes--remembering and appreciating the magic and mystery of being Nathaniel's sister and getting so caught up in life now that I block it out all together.

Excerpts from my up-coming book, After Nathaniel

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  1. Thanks for sharing and being so open about this. I really like the way you describe the struggle of grief and praise the Lord that He has brought healing to you and your family, even though the normal never returned.

  2. Beautifully written and thank you for sharing your feelings.

  3. It's weird because my 1st cousin was killed this year in Jan. His name was Nathaniel also (not sure how to spell) and he was also 18. His mother my aunt has been such a strong person, an example to me in her faith. She is not bitter at God but thankful for his mercy, because now Nathan is in a safe place. He lived fast and hard because of tramatic events that he experienced as a child. He did believe in Jesus.

    In some ways it feels unreal to have people part of your life (I didnt' know him much) and then they are gone.

    I lost a student in Feb. I had invested in her life... it hurt worse than loosing Nathan because I had given her part of my life.

    I think it's hard to face"the hard facts" that we can't see those we love again in this life.

    I calculate though that I'll be able to see P'saw Paw (my student) in like 75 years ;)

  4. Absolutely beautiful. I'm looking forward to reading your book.

  5. Thanks for your thoughts Kristina. This bridge is such a beautiful spot, both for reflection and inspiration.

    I love how you've highlighted the colours in the dress in your landscape!

  6. I loved what you said about loss...doesn't get easier, just gets different. I'm someone who can definitely relate to loss, and then somehow finding so much more out of it. Beautiful words from a beautiful girl! xoxo

  7. Hi Kristina, I'm sorry for your loss and sympathize with you... glad to see you're working through it though.

    I wanted to say the Artist's Rendering dress looks amazing and beautiful on you. It really brings out your eyes! I've never seen anyone wear that dress better, including the original model :)


  8. Beautiful post, thank you for sharing. And you look absolutely lovely in the Artist's Rendering Dress :)


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